Tales from Konoha
by Nex-thanarak
Summary: A collection of stories about the people we love in Leaf Village and the Shinobi World. Most of them are one-shots, although if I find a story line worth exploring I might write sequels. And mostly humorous, but I go where my muse takes me.
1. A C Ranked Mission

Hi everyone.

This is going to be a collection of short stories from the Narutoverse. For the most part they'll be one-shots, mostly humorous, although if I find a theme I enjoy I might post multiple stories following it.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fanfiction based off the Naruto universe. While the stories are mine the world and characters are borrowed from it.

A C-ranked Mission

"Ai, old man!" Naruto shouted, stomping around in an angry circle. He abruptly stopped and pointed angrily at the Hokage. "Another D-ranked mission? The last one you gave us had us picking up litter on Training Grounds 3, and the one before that was delivering groceries to the honored elders of the village! I'm a ninja, I should be doing ninja missions!"

Sarutobi sighed and put his hand over his eyes. Around them the bustle of his staff giving out missions to the ninja teams had halted as everyone watched this spectacle. "It's been almost three months since your team formed, Kakashi," he said wearily. "Have you still not explained the ranking system by which missions are given?"

Hatake Kakashi's face was red with mortification, and he'd hunched his shoulders and shoved his hands deep into his pockets. "I didn't think I needed to, Hokage-sama. The ranking system is one of the first things learned at the Konoha Ninja Academy."

"Oi!" Naruto cut in, stalking right up to the paperwork-strewn table Sarutobi sat behind and slamming his hands down to lean as far as he could over it. "What's it going to be this time, rescuing a cat out of a tree? I don't need to know the ranking system to know it stinks!"

With some effort of will Sarutobi ignored the young genin literally in his face and kept his stare on Kakashi, who'd huddled even deeper into himself. On the one hand it was amusing to see the usually unflappable Copycat Ninja so out of sorts. On the other hand things were hectic enough this morning without his favorite genin making a scene. He had more than a little fondness for Naruto, and he felt bad about the life the boy had been forced to live, but it didn't excuse him for this sort of behavior.

At the same time...

"Very well," he said, finally turning his gaze to the angry genin. "I believe we can upgrade your mission to one that's C-ranked level."

"All right!" Naruto shouted, pumping a fist into the air in victory. He leaned forward again, excited instead of angry this time. "Come on then, old man, tell me what it is!"

Sarutobi smiled. "Your new mission is..."

. . . . .

"Stupidest mission ever," Naruto grumbled, kicking at a rock in the road as they waited for Kakashi-sensei to finally arrive. Late as usual, and that didn't help his mood.

Sasuke and Sakura, on the other hand, seemed fairly content with the mission they'd been given. Which is to say neither of them was complaining about it. "At least we get to leave the village," Sasuke said, sounding like he didn't care one way or the other.

Naruto whirled and pointed at him angrily. "This is as bad as babysitting cats!" he shouted. "Escorting an old lady to the Tumayira shrine? That path has the most traffic out of any road leading out of the village, and ANBU guard it closely to protect the pilgrims! This "mission" is as dangerous as getting out of bed in the morning."

He hadn't been paying attention to Sakura, unfortunately, which gave the kunoichi the chance to sneak up behind him and wallop him upside the head. "Quit complaining, Naruto," she said. "Even if it's not dangerous the shrine is still an entire day's walk away from the village!" _And it's right next to the Tumayira Spa and Hot Springs_, she thought to herself.

Naruto subsided, rubbing his head angrily as he sulked by the gates. "Escorting a hobbling old lady," he muttered. "We'll be getting passed by Academy classes on field trips to the shrine." He abruptly turned around. "I forgot something!" he called as he ran back through the gates towards his house. "If I don't get back before Sensei arrives wait for me!"

A couple minutes later Kakashi finally arrived, rubbing the back of his head in sheepish apology. For once he wasn't reading a book, and the tacky romance novel he was so into was nowhere to be seen on his person. "Sorry I'm late," he said. He looked around, frowning with annoyance. "Where's Naruto?"

"Oi," Naruto called, sprinting through the gates but not looking the least bit tired. That was nothing new. "Sorry."

Kakashi shrugged. "It doesn't matter. Let's go pick up Miazi-sama and begin our trip."

. . . . .

The "hobbling old lady" they'd been assigned to escort was actually a formidable, healthy woman with salt-and-pepper hair tied up in a tight bun. She had a no-nonsense approach to pilgrimage as well.

"Quit dawdling!" she snapped over her shoulder at her guards as she continued down the road, walking so quickly she was almost jogging. "Lands sakes, what are they doing in that Academy that young people can't even keep up with a fogey like me?"

Sasuke groaned quietly. "Fogey? She hasn't taken a break in nearly four hours. I haven't worked this hard since the genin physicals."

Sakura sped up to jog alongside her, and with some more groaning and complaining Naruto and Sasuke sped up to keep pace. Kakashi was ambling along a short distance ahead, looking as if he were out for a stroll.

They had almost caught up to their elderly charge when a rustle in the trees drew Sasuke up short. Before he could shout out a warning two ragged bandits dropped into the road between where Sakura was walking with Miazi-sama and where Sasuke and Naruto stood.

"We'll take your money, granny," the more disreputable one said with a sneer. "Your money too, kids, if you have any."

Naruto took a step back into a defensive posture. "Take them, Sasuke!" he shouted. "I'll guard your back."

Sasuke was so surprised that he actually turned his back on his enemies to stare at his teammate. In all the time he'd known Naruto he had never, _ever_ seen the reckless blond hold back in an engagement. Usually as soon as Naruto saw there was a threat he charged in: it was either a miracle or a benefit of the easy missions they'd been on that the genin wasn't dead yet.

"You'll get my back?" he repeated incredulously.

Naruto turned a bit red and rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "You've got this. These guys are sissies."

"Hey!" one of the bandits shouted. "What are you guys doing ignoring us?"

Deeply suspicious, Sasuke stared at his teammate narrowly. Neither of them saw Sakura, who suddenly appeared beside Naruto. "Quit being such a coward, idiot!" she yelled, slugging him right in the face so hard that he flew backwards and landed on his rump in the dirt.

"Hey!" Naruto shouted, rubbing his nose. "What in the world was that f-" midword he disappeared in a cloud of smoke with a soft popping sound.

"I knew it!" Sasuke shouted. "That lazy jerk used a shadow clone to get out of this easy mission! He's probably back in the village sleeping in right now!"

"I said don't ignore us!" the bandit shouted, drawing a wicked knife and lunging for Sasuke's back. Before he'd gone half the distance he found his knife hand held in a vice grip by Kakashi, who still stood as relaxed as ever. The jonin had appeared out of nowhere.

"What are you doing, Sasuke?" he demanded. "Turning your back on an enemy?"

"They're not a threat, Sensei," Sasuke protested. "Besides, you saw that. Naruto's using a shadow clone to-"

"Enough." Kakashi uncoiled, his free hand coming up in a solid blow that caught the bandit right in the chin and sent him flying backwards, completely limp. The jonin moved in a whirl, catching the other bandit and forcing him to the ground in a tight hold. Within a few more minutes they had both the would-be bandits tied up.

"I'm afraid we'll have to cut this pilgrimage short, Miazi-sama," Kakashi said apologetically. "We have to take these two back to Konoha for judgment, and find out how they got past the ANBU patrolling this area."

The old lady sniffed. "Fine. You all make worthless bodyguards anyway. The girl was right next to me, and instead of protecting me she goes over and hits a teammate, leaving me vulnerable to these bandits."

"Oh they'll learn their lesson," Kakashi said ominously, turning to his two genin, who gulped. "_All_ of them will learn their lesson," he amended when Sasuke opened his mouth to protest. As the old lady hobbled away he pointed at the two bandits. "Sasuke, you'll carry that one. Sakura, you'll carry the other."

"What?" Sakura exclaimed. "I can't carry one of them all by myself! They weigh twice as much as me!"

Sasuke had been about to voice the same complaint but now he paused. Making them carry the two bandits by themselves seemed like a good punishment, but at the same time it seemed odd that Kakashi would have them waste so much time doing it themselves when he'd want to get these two bandits back to the village. He looked over his sensei again, closer this time. "Kakashi-sensei, where's your book?" he asked.

Kakashi blinked at him with his one uncovered eye. "Oh? Ah, I must have forgotten it."

"I see." Sasuke stiffened and pointed into the trees behind his sensei. "Sensei, more bandits!" he shouted. Kakashi whirled around, and while his back was turned Sasuke lunged forward and drove a kunai into his back.

Kakashi fell forward onto his face and was still for an eternity. Then he slowly pushed up onto his hands and coughed twice. "Sasuke, what-" he began. Sakura was staring at them both in horror. Kakashi got one knee under him and started to stand, and Sasuke took a step back.

"K-kakashi-sensei," he began. "I, I thought..." As their sensei slowly turned he abruptly shuddered, folded over, and fell to the ground. Then he exploded into a cloud of smoke with a loud _pop_. "I thought right!" Sasuke shouted. "I can't believe this. His job is to protect us, and he sends a _shadow clone!_"

Sakura's face, pale with fright and shock, had gone red with rage. She was going to miss the hot springs for _this_? "I'm going to kill them!"

. . . . .

"They're going to kill us," Naruto said, taking another big helping of Ichiraku's ramen.

Kakashi laughed with embarrassment and rubbed the back of his head. "Well I really wanted to finish Kunai and Kisses. I only had a few chapters left."

Naruto spoke around a huge mouthful of ramen. "If I ever beat you, sensei, it's going to be because you do something stupid about those books."

Kakashi laughed more easily and filled his own mouth with ramen. "Don't get your hopes up, kid."


	2. Kakashi vs Gai, An Honorable Challenge!

An Honorable Rivalry

"Gah!"

Hatake Kakashi spent an entire minute blinking away tears and trying to ignore the pounding pain in his left eye. His experience of ocular jutsu was that performing them felt like trying to force his eye to focus on a target more and more closely, past the realm of possibility, until every moment was an agony. Even by that standard his efforts to master the mangekyo sharingan were brutal. By the end of some attempts he felt as if he'd spent the last few minutes pounding a nail into his eye socket.

When the pain finally receded to manageable levels he stumbled over to the tree he'd been focusing on. Barely a dot in the bark where he'd made his attempt: by the standards of what his new technique was capable of it was pathetic, but by the standards of his previous efforts it was a major triumph.

"Yippee," he muttered, turning around and sinking to the ground with his back against the tree. With a sigh of relief he shoved his forehead protector back down over his left eye, plunging it into blessed darkness and giving it some rest.

At this rate he'd be able to use the mangekyo sharingan to full effect sometime within the next thousand years. If he was lucky.

"Kakashi-senpai!"

Kakashi lurched to his feet, staring around wildly until he saw the ANBU shinobi standing on a tree branch on the other side of the clearing. The man's mask looked like some sort of otter, nothing he recognized; probably a younger member of the black ops corps. He beckoned the youth down from the tree, and the ninja appeared before him in a flash of motion. "I requested privacy during my training sessions," he said to the young ANBU in tones of stern rebuke.

The ninja didn't move, and there was no way to read expressions under that mask, but Kakashi had a definite sense that a less disciplined person would be shuffling their feet in embarrassment. "I didn't know anything about that, Kakashi-senpai. Hokage-sama requested I send for you."

"Did she?" Kakashi looked up at the sun and repressed a groan. It was near sunset, and he'd been at this all day. A personal summons from Lady Tsunade was _not_ what he needed right now. "Understood. You can go about your duties." As the ninja saluted Kakashi formed the Konoha-Shunshin seal and disappeared in a swirl of leaves.

A short time later he was at the Hokage's door, where after a terse knock he was invited to enter. He came in and fell to one knee before the grand desk. "You sent for me, Hokage-sama?"

Lady Tsunade looked up, a brief frown creasing her unnaturally youthful features. "Ah, Kakashi. I'm glad you came with such haste. I have an urgent mission for you."

. . . . .

"Urgent my foot," Kakashi muttered, kicking at a pile of leaves as he stalked down the main street of the village towards the gates. Going on an informant dead-drop run was considered harsh punishment in the ANBU corps, and was almost never given to any but the most junior members. That he'd been assigned to the task meant he'd either seriously pissed off Lady Tsunade or there was literally no one else to do it.

Either way he had a week of nonstop travel to look forward to, and all the while his mangekyo sharingan was going nowhere. A technique less than a handful of Uchiha shinobi had managed to achieve, and which should have been impossible for him, but he couldn't work on it because he had to tour the entire border of the Land of Fire picking up gossip from penny-ante informants in other lands.

"What a pain," he muttered. There were no handy piles of leaves to kick this time, so he drew a kunai and threw it at a bag blowing down the nearly-deserted street a hundred yards ahead. The kunai skipped, hit the bag, and then bounced it up and buried in a nearby post.

Well, at least something was going right today.

"Ooah, Kakashi, what a fantastic throw!"

Kakashi stiffened, then swore quietly under his breath and turned towards the green-clad streak of motion coming in his direction. A moment later Maito Gai stood before him, legs spread and one hand extended in a thumbs-up.

"Yo, Gai," he said unenthusiastically.

The green-clad shinobi's face twisted with jealousy. "Oi, you always sound so cool when you greet people."

"Whatever." Kakashi turned and started back down the street. "I have something to do, if you-"

In a blur of motion Gai stood in front of him once more, so close their noses were nearly brushing. "No indeed, Kakashi! It's time for another challenge, and it's your turn to choose what it will be while I choose the penalty for losing!" The bushy brows less than six inches from his face lowered as Gai flashed his pearly white teeth. "The loser must hop around the village fifty times using only one foot!"

"Oh?" Kakashi smiled suddenly, a somewhat wicked expression. "All right then. The challenge will be a race."

"Yosh!" Gai shouted, running a rapid circle in victory. "This is a challenge you surely cannot win, my ancient and honorable rival! Name this race."

"The race will be to visit every single informant dead-drop around the borders of the Land of Fire. If there are missives inside the dead-drops you're to pick them up. The first person to visit them all, then return, will be the winner."

"All right!" Gai assumed an exaggerated runner's starting position. "Ready, get set, go!" Within a blur of kicked-up dust the bushy-browed shinobi disappeared down the street.

Kakashi watched him go with a somewhat guilty expression. It almost didn't feel honorable, what he'd just done. Still, he whistled softly as he made his way back to his house and the bed waiting there.

. . . . .

"If I cannot reach Drop Point 6 within the next hour, I'll make #7 in less than two hours!" Gai panted, sprinting with all his strength. An hour and a few minutes later he arrived at the drop point, feeling like he was going to collapse at any moment from sheer exhaustion. No missives at that point, so he immediately moved on. "If I can't reach Drop Point 7 in less than two hours, I'll make #8 in less than three," he gasped, even though the eighth drop point was a day's travel away from this spot.

The forest was a blur around him as he ran, straining the limits of his endurance. He felt bad for Kakashi: though his rival had chosen this challenge he'd most certainly chosen poorly. Kakashi as a ninja was enviable in many ways, but he lacked the extensive physical conditioning that Gai was so proud of in himself. It was simply impossible that his rival would win this challenge.

_I will buy him a round of sake when this is over with as consolation_, he thought to relieve some of the guilt he felt at having such an unfair advantage. He hadn't even seen Kakashi since the challenge had begun, and it was certain he was far, far ahead.

Ten hours later he collapsed at the eighth drop point. "If I cannot reach Drop Point 9 within the next hour," he gasped out in a strained voice barely above a whisper, "I'll make #10 within the next thirty minutes!"

. . . . .

Kakashi reclined on a tree limb overhanging the main road leading into Konoha. It wasn't the most comfortable position in which to read even a book so engaging as "Senbons and Seduction", but he felt he owed it to Gai to at least be there when the idiot returned from completing his task. It had only been five days, but he had every confidence the overzealous jonin would be back soon. If anything could be said for his would-be rival, it was that he did everything one hundred and ten percent. That such a thing was technically impossible still, somehow, didn't make it out of Gai's reach.

A few hours before sunset he heard a loud panting, and looked up from his romance novel to see Gai crawling into view a long ways down the road. The green-clad shinobi wasn't going quickly, and Kakashi gave his book an anguished glance. He was in a really good part, and it was obvious Gai wouldn't be reaching the tree he was sitting in for another five minutes at best.

Unfortunately reading turned out to be impossible, for long before Gai actually got close enough to be greeted properly Kakashi could hear the jonin muttering "if I can't reach that rock ahead in the next ten seconds, I'll reach that stick in five!" or "if I can't reach that rut in thirty seconds, I'll reach the puddle in seven!" He looked down at his rival with exasperation: he'd seen Lee do incredible things adhering to such a mantra, but he couldn't help but feel that as obviously exhausted as Gai was, saving his breath would be a better idea than giving himself a continuous pep talk.

When Gai finally reach his tree Kakashi cleared his throat, and his rival looked up, mouth open with his constant panting. "Yo," Kakashi said.

The look on the green-clad jonin's face was priceless. Shock, disbelief, envy, and admiration all warred there. "Y-you reached Konoha before me? And as cool and composed as if you've been sitting in that tree all day? How is that possible?"

Kakashi shrugged. "I _have _been sitting in this tree all day. I never left the village." He sighed at Gai's blank look. "I'd much rather spend a few hours hopping around the village than a week running around the borders of the Land of Fire checking dead-drops. Besides, I managed to get a lot done on my new technique while you were gone. Believe me, you did me a huge favor by winning this challenge."

Gai continued to stare at him blankly. With another sigh Kakashi dropped lightly from the tree, landing on one foot, and started hopping along a course parallel to the wall. "You can drop those missives off at the Hokage's office," he called over his shoulder.

Gai was left sprawled flat in the middle of the road, weeping in envy and rage and pounding the packed dirt with his fist. "Curse that Kakashi," he yelled, "even in defeat he manages to look so cool!"


	3. Clothes Make the Gai

Clothes Make the Gai

Naruto was just returning from a visit with Iruka-sensei when he saw a bunch of his friends leaning on the balcony above the main Ninja Academy building. Kiba, Hinata, Shikamaru, Neji, and Tenten were all in a tight huddle, while Neji whispered to them fiercely. Naruto greeted them happily and jumped up onto the roof, only to find that Neji had gone silent and all five of them were staring at him expressionlessly.

"Oi, Neji!" Naruto called, pointing at the older ninja. "What are you guys talking about that you get quiet when I walk by?"

Neji stared coolly at his finger for a moment, then lifted those disconcerting pupilless eyes to meet his. "It's rude to point, Naruto-kun."

Naruto frowned. "Hey, what kind of answer is that? I'm pointing at you so you know I'm talking to you. Now what were you guys talking about?"

"You said my name, baka. Of course I know you're talking to me." Naruto just stared back at him, and Neji sighed. "My honored Elders have told me that when you point at a man, three fingers point back at you."

Naruto looked down at his hand. "Oh yeah? Well my thumb is pointing at the ground. I guess that means that if you don't tell me what you guys were talking about you, me, and the ground are going to be meeting up real soon." He fell into a fighting stance.

Shikamaru slapped his forehead with his palm. "Mendokusai, Neji. If the idiot wants to join the mission let him. We can probably trust him to keep his mouth shut."

"Oi!" Naruto shouted. "You can absolutely trust me to keep my mouth shut about this mission!"

Shikamaru rubbed at his temples with his fingers in a slow, calming circle. "Then why don't you get over here and stop shouting it to the world?" he said as patiently as he could.

"Oh. Heh heh, sorry." Rubbing the back of his head sheepishly, Naruto sauntered over to the railing and leaned against it across from Hinata, who immediately dropped her eyes to the railing and began poking her index fingers together in front of her, turning a bright red.

"H-hello, N-naruto-kun," she said quietly.

Naruto looked around the group. "All right, what's going on?"

Neji cleared his throat, looking a bit irritated. "We were just setting a meeting time to brief for a mission I asked Shikamaru to help me plan. It's going to be A-rank level, involving jonin, and absolute secrecy is required. Since you decided to tag along I guess I'll have to give you the details of when we're meeting, too."

"Cool!" Naruto said, leaning forward excitedly. "Just tell me where and when! Are we going far for this mission? Who's the target?"

. . . . .

As Naruto watched Choji, sitting across from him, scarf down barbecue, he couldn't help but feel a bit let down about this so-called "secret meeting place". "Couldn't we have at least met at Ichiraku's and had ramen?" he asked.

The rest of the group ignored him. Choji was the only new addition to the group that he'd interrupted on the balcony of the Ninja Academy, and they were all sitting in a corner booth far from the other diners in the BBQ Restaurant.

Shikamaru, after waiting for the waitress to leave after dropping off another order, looked around cautiously then took out a stack of ninja cards and began passing them around. "This is the mission outline, the route we'll take infiltrating the target, and the people who will be a threat to our mission's success."

Naruto eagerly snatched up his card, turned it over, and then stared at it in disbelief. "Is this a joke?" he demanded. There was a map with the layout of the apartment complex where many of the single shinobi of the village had their rooms, with a red line showing their route through it. Below it were pictures of Rock Lee and Gai-sensei. As he read the mission outline his disbelief grew. "Wait wait wait. Our A-ranked Mission is _stealing Gai-sensei's clothes?_"

"Nobody recruited you for this, Naruto," Kiba said impatiently. "If you don't want to help the door's over there, and nobody will care if you leave through it."

"I will," Hinata peeped in a tiny voice, turning red when ten pairs of eyes turned on her. Choji still had all his attention on his plate, and didn't seem to be hearing a word of the conversation.

Naruto raised his hands quickly. "It's not that I don't want to help. Just, why exactly are we doing this, and who ordered it?"

Shikamaru pulled a tiny copy of the Konohagakure Ninja Rulebook out of a hidden pocket in his uniform, flipping through the pages until he found the one he was looking for. "Article C, Subsection 3a, under the "Responsible Citizen Act". Ahem." He cleared his throat. "As it behooves all good shinobi of the Village Hidden in the Leaves to take action for the betterment of the village and the people therein, should any injustice or wrongdoing be perpetrated in your sight it is lawful that you apprehend the offender and bring them before the Hokage for judgment. Failing this, to right the wrong is the least of the duties you should perform."

"And this applies how?" Naruto asked.

Tenten spoke up from where she sat between Hinata and Neji. "Imagine Gai-sensei in that horrible green skintight spandex suit of his, stretching in every conceivable position during training." Naruto actually did imagine that, and immediately wished he hadn't. Tenten nodded with satisfaction at the horrified expression on his face. "You have no idea how lucky you are, having a jonin sensei who dresses the way he's supposed to."

"With someone like Kurenai-sensei the unique uniform she wears is more than fine with me," Shikamaru said, in a way that made Hinata and Kiba both glare at him. He either didn't notice or pretended not to. "But Gai-sensei's attire is something nobody wants to see. With the possible exception of Lee, whose uniform is just as bad."

"All right," Naruto said reluctantly. "So I can understand wanting to see him wearing something different. Haven't you tried just asking?"

"What, asking?" Tenten said, big brown eyes widening in mock surprise. "What a remarkable idea. I wish one of us had thought of it first! Think of all the time we wasted planning this operation when the simple solution was just staring us in the face all this time!"

Naruto shrugged. "Guess that's that, then. Glad I could help."

"Don't be stupid, Naruto," Neji said. "Of course we've asked. Numerous times. We've also requested, plead, demanded, threatened, wheedled, whined, and bargained. Gai-sensei believes his hideous green clothes are the epitome of youthful exuberance, and anything we say against them is a sign of our own waning youthfulness. It's completely absurd, but until you've tried to argue a point with the brick wall that is Maito Gai I don't want to hear a word of complaint out of you."

"Fine," Naruto said, leaning back and crossing his eyes. "I've played plenty of pranks before anyway."

"This isn't a prank," Shikamaru said sternly. "This is a service to Konoha. Now shut up." He tapped his card impatiently. "Our target is the jonin-level apartments, specifically number 5b on the fourth floor where Gai-sensei sleeps. We have a very narrow window of opportunity tonight for this mission to work. Since our goal is to deprive him of his entire wardrobe, and he generally wears his green spandex uniforms whenever he is outside his rooms, finding a time in which we could catch him wearing _anything_ else, allowing us to for sure steal all his uniforms, was a bit difficult.

"Thankfully the jonin sensei meet together to brief the Hokage on the status of their teams every two weeks. This meeting lasts two hours, and as a sign of respect for the Lady Tsunade Gai-sensei always wears a formal jonin uniform, perhaps the only normal clothes he possesses. We have two hours, tonight, in which to get into his apartments without being seen, steal his uniforms, and take them somewhere secluded and burn them."

"Burn them?" Naruto repeated dubiously. "Isn't that going a bit too-"

"Burn them!" Neji and Tenten interrupted simultaneously, their expressions frighteningly intense.

Naruto raised his hands quickly. "Okay, okay. I haven't had to look at them for hours every day, so what do I know?"

"Surprisingly little," Shikamaru said matter-of-factly. "Choji will guard the front doors. Neji will form the rearguard and cover our escape route, which will be the stairs at the north end of the hallway. Kiba, you'll watch the south end of the hall. Everyone else is with me in breaking into Gai-sensei's room and finding every single spandex unitard he owns. Remember, people, time is of the essence here."

. . . . .

"Come on, Shikamaru," Naruto whined. "What happened to "time is of the essence?" Shikamaru ignored him, remaining motionless to one side of the door to Apartment 5b while carefully scrutinizing it for traps. "Why are you wasting all our time here? What kind of person booby traps his own house in the middle of his own secure village?"

The shuffling from the people behind him completely stopped, and Naruto turned to find everyone staring at him in disbelief. "Um, a shinobi?" Tenten said.

Naruto flushed. "Well all right. For most of our sensei I would agree, but this is Gai-sensei we're talking about. Bushy Brows Senior doesn't know the meaning of the word paranoia."

Shikamaru, brows furrowed in concentration as he tried to thread a string through a kunai's loop in preparation for some probe of the door's unseen defenses, hissed in annoyance when it missed for the third time in a row. He turned to Naruto angrily. "All right, baka. If you can't be content with staying quiet while I take sensible precautions to keep us all alive, maybe _you'd_ like to be the first through the door."

Naruto beamed. "About time you asked," he said. He formed the proper seal. "Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!" A perfect copy of himself appeared at his side, drew a senbon from his pouch, and strode forward confidently. Easing past Shikamaru his Kage Bunshin knelt in front of the door and began picking the lock with the slender needle.

Neji, forming the rearguard with his Byakugan just behind Hinata, pressed his face into his palm wearily. "Of course," he muttered. "Only Naruto would decide it's much faster to just trigger any traps with a shadow clone." He formed the proper hand signs his team used, signaling retreat, and Tenten touched Kiba and Shikamaru on the shoulder, then began backing away. Neji tapped his cousin's arm, and when she jumped slightly and turned to him with wide eyes he motioned for her to back up as well. If Naruto was going to just charge in as usual, he didn't want to be standing close enough to any major traps when they triggered.

Of course, the blond genin _did_ have a point. Neji had trained under Gai-sensei for two years now, and had never seen him show the slightest suspicion about anything...

About that time the door exploded and half a hundred kunai flew through the splintered remains, burying in the wall on the other side of the hallway in a solid square. Naruto's shadow clone gave a cry of pain as it was pinned to the wall by a dozen kunai stuck through it, then disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

In the perfect silence that followed a single piece of paper drifted through the doorway and landed in the middle of the hall.

Neji, who had thrown himself protectively in front of Hinata as was his duty, muttered a curse under his breath and moved cautiously towards the paper, using his Byakugan to watch for further traps. Without needing to look he drew a kunai from his belt and tied a thread to it, then threw it at the paper and cautiously fished it back to where he knelt. It was a single page, fine rice paper, with this short message written on it:

"Oi, my Most Honored Rival!

So you thought you would try to sneak into my rooms while I was away, did you? I hope my glorious Thousand Knives of Impenetrable Defense trap showed you otherwise!"

He was aware of loud breathing by his ear, his Byakugan informing him that Naruto was leaning over his shoulder reading. "Bushy Brows Senior has a rival?" the blond genin asked with confusion.

Tenten groaned. "_That's_ why he set this trap?"

Naruto turned to look at her. "What's why? Who's his rival?"

The brown-haired kunoichi sighed in annoyance. "Of course Kakashi-sensei didn't think it necessary to tell you. Every day we have to listen to Gai-sensei moaning and fretting about his rivalry, but it wouldn't surprise me at all if Kakashi-sensei sees the entire thing as a complete joke." Naruto continued to stare at her in confusion. "Kakashi is Gai's rival, idiot!" she snapped.

Naruto hunched his shoulders, looking hurt. "You could have just said it without treating it like some huge mystery." Turning away from Tenten he made another Kage Bunshin. The shadow clone, sulking as much as the original, strode through the door in search of other traps.

It blew back into the hall in front of a massive fireball, uttering nearly the exact same cry the previous one had as it vanished in smoke.

Shikamaru put his face in his hands. "Mendokusai," he groaned. "How many traps did Gai-sensei set?"

"Well I think we can rule out stealth and secrecy on this one," Kiba called as doors all along the hallway were thrown open and masked shinobi poured out, weapons at ready.

. . . . .

Whistling cheerfully, Maito Gai bounded up the stairs to his apartment. It always pleased him when he had good news to present to the Lady Hokage, and for this meeting he could gladly report that his team was showing great initiative and drive! He almost felt like weeping for joy when he thought of their youthful faces set in determination to succeed no matter how difficult the challenge.

The fourth floor hallway was surprisingly quiet as he made his way down it his door, which in the spirit of this youthful evening was looking finer than it ever had! Even the paint coating the hallway around his room looked fresher and brighter than the rest, as if to personally congratulate him for his successes.

He disabled his clever traps and threw open the door, making a tight frontflip through the one opening through his inner defenses. He was far too honorable to sneak into Kakashi-san's room, but he wouldn't put it past his sneaky most honorable rival to try something like that, so he was prepared. "A ninja is always prepared!" he said to the empty room. It seemed to agree with him, all the furniture looking newer and better and even the carpet and paint seeming finer than when he'd left, as if in anticipation of his return.

He made his way into his room, throwing the cumbersome jacket of his formal uniform onto his bed, and yanked open his closet.

It was empty.

"Oh?" Gai said, poking his head into the tiny space and looking around curiously. "Am I out of spare uniforms already?"

It seemed he was. Even the uniform he'd tossed onto the bed had mysteriously disappeared. He noticed that they had a way of doing that, and far more often that he would ever have expected. But no matter. Stepping into the closet he ran his hand along one of the back panels until he found the one he was looking for, and pressed on it firmly in two different places. The back of his closet slid away smoothly, courtesy of his brilliant counterweight system.

On the other side of the closet wall lay the apartment next to his, which he'd rented along with his own. Stacked wall to wall within the two hundred square foot space, all the way up to the ceiling in most places, were thousands more spandex uniforms all still wrapped in the plastic he'd purchased them in.

"A ninja is always prepared!"

. . . . .

"Thanks again," Shikamaru said as the last of the uniforms was thrown onto the bonfire.

Neji had brought along marshmallows and sticks to roast them on, anticipating a celebratory bonfire with the hated uniforms. Unfortunately none of them had anticipated just how toxic burning spandex was, and the smoke had forced them all to back away a dozen yards, coughing and with tears streaming from their eyes. That hadn't stopped him from handing out the marshmallows anyway, since this _was_ cause for celebration.

"Really," Shikamaru continued, taking a handful of marshmallows and passing them along to the ninja next to him. "We would have failed utterly without your help."

"No problem," the cat-faced ANBU beside him said, taking his own marshmallows and with some effort managing to sneak them into his mouth under his mask. "It's really about time somebody did it."

Around the fire a large circle of shinobi watched the flames consume the horrid green uniforms, mesmerized. A good half of them wore ANBU masks, and many of the others were jonin. With their help they'd managed to disarm the rest of the traps, repair the damage the previous traps had done, get the uniforms out, and then rearm the traps so everything looked as good as new. It was amazing to see just how large a disparity in skill there was between he and his team and the efficient shinobi who'd aided them. Shikamaru resolved to spend lots more time studying traps in the future.

"You know it's not going to make any difference, don't you?" an ANBU with a painted boar's mask across the fire from them called.

"What do you mean?" Neji asked, sounding far more panicked by the notion than the situation warranted.

Another of the ANBU chuckled. "You think you're the first one to think of this? It's a great party and all, but believe me when I say that Maito Gai possesses an overabundance of the irrepressible spirit of Konoha. So too, it seems, do his uniforms."

Tenten stared at the ANBU, looking on the verge of tears. "You mean not even this is going to stop him from coming to training tomorrow dressed in that horrible green spandex?"

"It hasn't yet," the boar-masked ANBU said.

"Hey, give me some of those marshmallows!" Naruto called from across the fire as Neji and Tenten both put their heads in their hands in despair.


	4. Routine Patrol

Thanks to all of you who've read and reviewed my stories. I'm glad you enjoyed them ^^. Updates will be coming fairly often, so don't fret.

Routine Patrol

"You shouldn't ask Asuma-sensei to treat you to barbecue every time we get back from a mission," Ino said, ducking under a branch.

Choji frowned. "Why not?"

"Well it's just not polite. Sensei has his own problems to worry about without having to pay for your dinners all the time."

The two ninja were on far patrol, out beyond where the ANBU posted sentries. It was a boring and tiring task, since they had a lot of ground to cover, but as the Hokage-sama said it was only an unnecessary precaution until it wasn't.

"He hasn't complained yet," Choji protested, leaping over a dead log.

"Maybe not, but that's just because he's too nice. His wallet isn't as bottomless as your gullet, you know."

Choji scowled at her. "What's that supposed to mean? Are you calling me fat?"

Ino sniffed and tossed her ponytail over her shoulder. "I'm saying your gullet is bottomless, and it's the truth. I've eaten with you at the Barbecue Restaurant way too often to not have noticed."

"Well still, if Asuma really minds he can tell me. It's not like-" Choji trailed off as they entered into a clearing and saw a dozen nuke-nin lounging around a campfire, the scratches through their hitai-ate proclaiming their lack of allegiance to any village. "Oh, crap," he muttered to Ino from the side of his mouth.

One of the rogue ninjas leapt to his feet. "Konoha sentries!" he cried. "Quick, capture them before they reveal our presence to their village!"

An uncomfortable silence settled over the clearing as his companions exchanged embarrassed looks. "Thanks for the tip, Taicho Obvious," one of the other nuke-nin said sarcastically.

Ino glanced at Choji. "We should run."

"Right," the young Akimichi said. They turned and fled back the way they'd come, and a moment later a dozen enemy shinobi were hot on their heels.

. . . . .

"Come on, slowpoke!" Ino shouted, glancing over her shoulder to see that Choji was almost out of sight behind her. The nuke-nin in pursuit were closing in around her slower teammate, and some had even gotten ahead of him to either side and were looking for an opening to cut him off.

With a growl of annoyance she halted on a good sturdy branch, turning with a kunai in either hand. After a moment to assess the greatest threats to her teammate, the blond-haired kunoichi hurled the two kunai at the rogue ninjas. The attack barely slowed their enemies, who easily dodged the thrown weapons, but it provided enough of a distraction that Choji was able to put on a burst of speed and pull ahead of his pursuers. Ino turned and leapt to the next branch, continuing her retreat.

She didn't see the nuke-nin, obviously one of the enemy's scouts, who had rushed ahead and was now shadowing her on the right, trying to find his own opening to hit her from the side. As she fled, occasionally glancing back at Choji and yelling her own insulting brand of encouragement, the nuke-nin gradually worked his way closer, until he was in position to spring.

She caught sight of him at the last second and dodged his well-aimed punch, altering her jump to take her to a lower branch. The nuke-nin recovered quickly from his miss and followed right at her heels. One of his hands was outstretched, within inches of grabbing her blond ponytail, and Ino put on a burst of speed and dodged again, leaping to a nearby tree trunk and running up it expertly to a higher branch. Her efforts failed to shake her pursuer, and again he was only a short lunge from grabbing her. He made that lunge, shouting in triumph, and then went completely still, so suddenly that it couldn't have been of his own accord.

Ino paused to glance over her shoulder, then landed in a crouch on a nearby branch. All twelve of the nuke-nin were frozen in place, most scattered along branches, some near the tops of the trees and some farther down, and two on the ground. They had formed a professional pursuit pattern, spread far enough apart that they should have been able to identify and avoid any ambushes and aid their companions who might be caught by such sneak attacks. But now they were cursing to themselves as they realized none of them could move.

"At last," Shikamaru said with satisfaction from his hiding place in the trees. His voice was slightly strained from the effort of maintaining his jutsu: a dozen shadows stretched from his feet to the feet of the nuke-nin scattered in front of him. "Multi-Shadow Capture is a success."

(Ten Minutes Earlier)

Shikamaru paused in his swift passage through the forest, leaping from tree limb to tree limb, and took in the area before him. The way the forest grew in this area created a good natural choke point, and it was on the line of retreat he'd set for Ino and Choji.

"Perfect," he said, dropping to the ground and sweeping his eyes over the area in a thorough inspection. He quickly identified all possible routes of passage through the area. Some he dismissed as being too difficult or slow, and some he dismissed since they left anyone who traveled along them vulnerable to ambush.

Then he paused in his inspection. "Mendokusai," he said, realizing what he'd almost done. Those were routes he himself would have avoided, since he could identify them as an ambush risk. That didn't mean others would do the same: assuming your enemy was as smart as you could be as dangerous as assuming they were fools.

Adding most of the likely ambush routes back into his list, he was left with nearly two dozen paths by which enemies could travel through this section of forest. Having identified them, he formed his hands into the proper seal and concentrated deeply on the chakra within him.

"Ninpo: Shadow Grid," he said, and his shadow thinned into dozens of tiny threads and spread out in every direction, the shadows of the trees around him allowing them to spread even farther. They moved to every path he'd selected, merging with the shadows there to make his entire jutsu invisible to any eyes but the Byakugan. Since his hiding place was deep in a shadowed area the paths of his shadows leading back to him would be invisible as well. When his grid was set he smiled, pleased; even the most cautious ninja would be unable to detect it, or him.

Satisfied his preparations were complete, he fell into a crouch against a tree to wait for his teammates to do their part.

. . . . .

It had been an excruciatingly boring five minutes he'd had to wait, but Shikamaru didn't mind at all. A good strategy should involve long periods of boredom followed by success, because that meant there were no surprises.

He motioned for his teammates to get to work, his satisfied smile widening as a dozen hands mirrored the movement. Choji and Ino moved among the rogue ninja, confiscating their weapons and binding their hands behind their backs, then tethering them all together for transport back to the village.

"Nuke-nin," he called to his captured foes as his teammates did their work, "You are engaged in unauthorized operations inside the territory of Konohagakure. You are accused of espionage and malign intent, and will be taken back to Konoha and interrogated. If you attempt to resist we reserve the right to use lethal force in subduing you."

He waited until his teammates had finished disarming and binding the prisoners, then with a sigh of relief released his jutsu and sank to his knees. Ino came over to him and laid a hand on his shoulder, looking worried. "Are you all right?"

"Fine," Shikamaru said. "I just need to work on increasing my chakra reserves."

"You need to work on your speech, too," his blond teammate said with a sniff. "What did you do, memorize the handbook while the rest of us were content to just read it?"

Shikamaru smiled slightly. "Come on, Ino. You know for me reading _is_ memorizing."

She sniffed again. "Well you don't have to use every opportunity to show off how smart you are." She strode to the back of the line of prisoners.

"Come on, genius!" Choji barked from his place at the head of the line, tugging on the rope that bound the prisoners together. "If we get back before nightfall Asuma-sensei will certainly treat us to barbecue for this success!"

Shikamaru glanced between his two teammates, feeling equal parts amused and irritated. They hadn't been complaining about his intelligence back when they'd first discovered the presence of the rogue ninja and as usual it had fallen on him to come up with the strategy. "What a pain," the chuunin muttered, falling into place to one side of the line, close enough to intercept any attempts at escape but far enough away that he'd be able to see and counter any attacks.

Oh well, knowing Asuma-sensei at least there'd be barbecue in it for them when they got back. And maybe afterwards a nice, quiet game of shogi.

Now _that_ was a challenge that interested him.


	5. Long Awaited Comeuppance

This story might not be to your liking, just a warning, but I figured after all the abuse Naruto's taken and the way he's always turned the other cheek, he deserved this.

Long Awaited Comeuppance

After centuries of fighting, peace had at last come to the Five Lands. Much of that peace had been earned through fierce battles against those most intent on causing war, and some had been earned by honest and sincere attempts by the different lands to learn of their neighbors and truly understand them.

But one thing that was certain was that the reality of that peace rested on the shoulders of one man, a man who had worked tirelessly, fought selflessly, to see it happen. Who had managed to make friends out of enemies and whose gift for understanding even those who hated him most had rebuilt many bridges long thought forever destroyed.

Now in the Land of Fire, in the rebuilt Village Hidden in the Leaves, the villagers and many honored guests had gathered in the wide, bowl-shaped depression Pain's Almighty Push had created, long ago, destroying the old village and paving the way for it to be rebuilt even stronger and more beautiful. That bowl had been converted into an amphitheater where large social functions took place, and at one end of it a platform had been built, the acoustics of the bowl allowing everyone within it to hear even whispers spoken from the podium at its head.

At the podium stood Iruka Umino, awarded the honor of introducing the great Hero of the Five Lands, since he had been that hero's first sensei and for a long time his only friend.

Iruka glanced back at the rows of seats behind him, where some of the most powerful people in the Five Lands sat, as well as the hero's close companions and friends. "I cannot truly describe how happy this sight makes me," he said quietly, his voice carried to every ear. "Many of you began as enemies, on the other side of old feuds and continual misunderstandings. Even those of you born in our village may have began as enemies of the one we gather to honor. It is his special gift to turn enemies into friends, and it is that gift that has brought peace at last when all despaired of ever seeing anything but a world of ninja locked in war."

"He has stood at the forefront of many battles. Threats to peace within our village and between the Five Lands have been eliminated by his hands. He is largely responsible for defeating the shadow group known as Akatsuki, and its puppeteer the renegade Uchiha Madara. He quelled the tailed beasts and sealed them away forever. In our own village he discovered the threat posed by the traitor Danzo Shimura, and peacefully ended the Root Uprising, continuing the rule of our just Hokage. He defeated Uchiha Sasuke, and made the ultimate sacrifice of slaying his best friend when words could not end his terrible rampage.

"And then, carrying on the tradition of his slain sensei, the legendary Toad Sage Jiraiya, he traveled between the lands, bringing peace to warring villages and acting as advocate and diplomat for our village. Long years he spent working to bring about that peace, and we are here today to celebrate his final success. There is no more war, in Konoha or anywhere within the Five Lands. Many of us would not even be alive save for his efforts."

He turned again, smiling widely at the figure seated in a place of honor at the center of the front row of dignitaries. "And for that we celebrate you, Uzumaki Naruto. We celebrate the peace you have brought, and the sacrifices you made to see it happen." A roar of approval and adulation spread over the crowd, one that did not end for many minutes as all showed their love for the Leaf's great hero. When it finally died down Iruka beckoned. "Please come forward, Naruto, and be recognized."

With a sheepish grin Naruto came to stand beside him, rubbing the back of his head in embarrassment. Iruka embraced the young man, and holding his shoulder he presented him to the crowd, who once again raised a mighty cheer. On the platform behind them many had stood and were clapping and whistling, and a few of those closest to him were in tears.

Again, after a long period of cheering, silence finally settled. "Now that all your goals are complete and the land is in perfect peace, what will you do?" Iruka continued. "There are whispers that the Honored Hokage Tsunade-sama means to step down, allowing you to finally achieve your long-stated goal of becoming the Hokage. Will you settle happily into the peace you've created, and lead the Five Lands to great happiness and prosperity? Please tell us, Naruto-sama. What do you mean to do?"

The crowd fell into a hushed, anticipatory silence. "What am I going to do?" Naruto swept his eyes across the happy throng, then returned his gaze to Iruka. Slowly, almost imperceptibly, a change seemed to come over him. His somewhat embarrassed, friendly expression melted away to icy emotionlessness.

"What am I going to do?" he repeated softly. "That's easy. I'm going to destroy Konoha."

. . . . .

Dead silence fell after those words, and then those who knew him best on the stand began chuckling. Taking their cue from those, the rest of the crowd began laughing as well. Naruto stood unmoving, eyes sweeping the crowd with cold calculation. "You think I'm joking?" he finally said, not loudly but with enough volume that the amphitheater's acoustics carried it to every ear.

"Of course you're joking," Iruka replied, trying to smile even though he felt deeply uneasy about the change that had come over his favorite student. "You've nearly given your life time and again to save the village, and spent years bringing this peace."

Naruto laughed, and the noise was jarring enough that the crowd fell completely silent. "Yes, the village. All you adults who made my childhood a hell, and all you children who took your cues from your parents and tormented me. My father died protecting you, sealed Kyuubi into his own son for Konoha's sake, and you rewarded his memory and the sacrifice he made of me by openly hating me and making my life a misery."

Naruto turned to those on the stand, every single one of whom had begun their relationship with him as an enemy or at best an antagonist, and whom he'd had to work nonstop to befriend and prove himself to. "Did you think I forgot my childhood, alone and shunned, cursed and kicked by anyone who deigned to notice me? Did you think I'd forgiven you for the life I was forced to live?"

Eyes in the crowd were downcast, either in shame or in embarrassment. Some of those faces Naruto knew well, though he'd seen them when they loomed over him as a child, the hatred in their expressions making them grotesque. "Well I haven't forgotten," he whispered. "And I haven't forgiven."

"B-but," Iruka stammered, "you've shown no sign of this resentment. You've protected us from powerful enemies."

"Exactly!" Naruto shouted. Chakra began building around him, the only visible sign of it the dust that began swirling in a whirlwind with him at the center. "Powerful enemies. I knew if I showed the slightest sign of my true intentions before the time was right I'd fail. So I made it seem like I wanted to be the Hokage, that that was the reason I worked so hard to become stronger. And any enemy who was a true threat to Konoha was a chance for me to do just that. I knew that by the time I'd defeated every enemy that had ever been a real threat to the village I would be more powerful than them all, and by the same token too powerful for any in the village to stop me."

His voice lowered to a whisper, and a horrified crowd leaned forward as one to hear. "There was another reason, of course. I didn't want anyone else to claim the privilege of destroying you self-righteous fools."

Sakura leapt up from her seat on the platform and strode forward, intending to beat this foolishness out of her teammate. Just before reaching him she cocked back her fist and prepared her swiftest, strongest blow, the one that cracked the ground and destroyed cliffs.

Without even turning Naruto's hand snapped back, catching her fist, and in one smooth motion he uncoiled and flung her far, far over the crowd, nearly three hundred yards. She gave a shriek as she plowed into the ground, flipping end over and and skidding across solid stone for a dozen feet before she finally stopped in a tumble, unmoving.

"Man, I've wanted to do that for so long," Naruto said with satisfaction. "Pretending to like you even though your solution to any problem with me is always to hit me as hard as you can. Pretending to be your friend was the hardest part of all this."

That seemed to galvanize the Leaf Shinobi. With calls and shouted orders he was surrounded on all sides, his former friends bolstering the lines.

"Why?" Kakashi demanded, taking the riskiest place directly in front of him.

Naruto smiled as two Kage Bunshins transformed out of the stones at his feet and took their place to either side of him, creating a Rasenshuriken in each hand. "Why? Haven't you idiots figured out yet that whenever anything bad happens to someone in this world, their immediate response is to try to destroy Konoha? What on earth made you think that didn't apply to me?"

Hinata moved to take her place beside Kakashi. "N-naruto-kun?" she whispered, face pale with fear and sadness. "You don't really want to do this, do you?"

"Don't I?" Naruto lifted both hands over his head, the double Rasenshurikens spinning in opposite directions and brushing against each other in the middle, creating a flare of chakra so bright many had to look away. "Who are you, girl? You claim you've loved me for years, but when I most needed a friend you were too scared to even speak to me? Fat lot of good your hidden admiration did when my complete isolation led me to hate everyone and everything. What makes you any better than those who hurled sake jars and garbage at me?"

"B-but, it's only because of you that I had the courage to stand up for myself." The purple-haired kunoichi said, tears in her eyes.

Naruto laughed harshly. "I encouraged you to fight Neji all those years ago for the same reason I encouraged everyone else when they were fighting a losing battle and should have just quit. I wanted to watch you get beat up and feel a bit of amusement at your expense. Short of attacking you myself and revealing my intentions, it was the best I could do."

"It doesn't have to end like this," Tsunade said from off to one side.

"I disagree." The Rasenshurikens flew from his hands and began rotating swiftly around him, held in check by tightly controlled chakra strings. With these he could mow down everyone around him in seconds, and then get to work on the crowd. Naruto swung the strings a bit harder and lengthened them a bit, until the Rasenshurikens were rotating nearly a hundred yards over his head. "It has to end like _this_! Rasenshuriken Nova!"

Yanking on the chakra strings as hard as he could, he slammed the two Rasenshurikens together. They exploded in a brilliant blaze of chakra, sending a nova of blue and red sparks raining harmlessly down on the crowd. Then he dropped his hands to his sides, shrugged in a sheepish way, and said. "Just kidding."

Dead silence fell over the crowd. Finally Kakashi, the mangekyo sharingan spinning in his left eye, spoke. "What?"

"Heh heh." Naruto rubbed the back of his head and grinned. "You guys all know me, I'm a big prankster. I thought before ushering in a period of peace and prosperity for the village I should give you all a big scare. Make you appreciate it a bit more. And sure, maybe I got a bit of petty enjoyment out of freaking you all out after the way some of you have treated me. Really, though, I was just kidding."

Hinata, who'd looked completely stricken by grief, was blinking rapidly, obviously trying to hide tears. "J-just kidding?" she asked incredulously.

"You're a jerk!" Sakura yelled from where she'd come to her feet, swaying unsteadily. Welts and bruises completely covered her.

Naruto turned and pointed at her. "Oh quit whining. You've hit me like a million times, and this is the first time I've ever hit you back."

"This was a _joke?_" Iruka asked, face going purple with rage. "All of this was just for a laugh?"

"Come on guys, lighten up," Naruto said, dropping into a cross-legged position on the ground. "Did you actually think I was serious? I'm the student of prophecy or whatever, remember? The one who was supposed to bring peace by getting everybody to understand each other. Did you think, after I managed to do all that, that I'd suddenly reveal it was all a sinister plot? I thought you all understood me, at least."

"Well I don't understand that joke," Shikamaru said from his place near the back. His shadow was twice as long as it should be and had been even longer a second ago. "It was pretty lousy if you ask me."

Naruto's smile vanished, and he came to his feet in an eyeblink. "Would you rather it wasn't a joke?" he demanded.

Shikamaru paused, taken aback. "Well, I-"

Naruto whirled towards Iruka. "Would you rather I wasn't just kidding?"

His purple-faced sensei held up his hands quickly. "Now hold on a second, Naruto. Let's not be silly."

"Fine then I'll stop being silly. I meant every word." Naruto raised his arms over his head and clenched his hands into fists, and a hundred thousand chakra strings appeared in a tight bundle in each fist. "Rasenshuriken Nova: Razor Windstorm," he said. Then he ducked into a rapid spin, throwing his clenched fists wide, and the "harmless" blue and red sparks became a hailstorm of devastating rasen blades.

When it was done he stood all alone in the midst of the devastation he'd wrought. He looked around. "Muhahaha."

Then he turned and walked away.


	6. Unusual Training

Unusual Training

Mornings were quiet in the Inuzuka compound. While the rest of the village was up and bustling just outside the walls, within them the only noises to be heard were snoring and the occasional soft growls and whimpers as the beasts within dreamed.

In one room, messy in the way only a teenager's can be, especially one with a pet, the noises were louder than most. At the foot of the bed a ninja dog still little more than a puppy lay sprawled on his back, all four paws in the air, occasionally twitching and kicking. Higher up on the bed, atop a tangle of sheets and blankets but sprawled in nearly the same position as his companion, his master also slept.

A ray of late morning sunlight was shining through a gap in the window's shutter, spilling across the bed only a foot or so from the sleeping youth, and as the morning grew later it was gradually sliding across the covers. By the time ten minutes had passed it was only inches from his face, and he was already starting to scrunch his eyes tighter. On the foot of the bed the puppy's legs were kicking frantically as he dreamed of chasing something, and the jerking motions were sliding him ever closer towards the edge of the bed.

At about the same time as the ray of sunshine hit the youth's eyes, the puppy fell off the bed onto the floor below, and both came awake simultaneously with yelps of distress.

Not long after that Kiba stumbled out the front door of the compound, rubbing at his eyes with one hand while with the other he awkwardly tugged on the oversized fur coat that was a major part of the Inuzuka clan uniform. Atop his head Akamaru sprawled sleepily, mouth open in a wide yawn to reveal his tiny but sharp teeth.

"What do you think, Akamaru?" Kiba asked, looking up at his companion. "Steak for breakfast?"

"Arrk!" Akamaru replied, thumping his tale on the back of Kiba's head.

Kiba laughed easily and reached up to ruffle the puppy's ears. "I can always count on a yes from you when it comes to steak, can't I?"

Leaving the sleeping compound behind, the two friends headed to the butcher's shop. It was going to be an unusual day of training, since instead of his usual team exercises he'd agreed to spar with Uzumaki Naruto today.

. . . . .

They'd barely come in sight of the butcher's shop when Akamaru jumped of his head and made a beeline for its front door, barking madly. Just before he arrived two girls, relatives of the butcher, left the shop. Kiba recognized the older girl as Riena, a kunoichi a few years older than him, and the younger as her sister Sera, still at the Ninja Academy.

The girls were carrying baskets and wearing hats, looking as if they were about to go out shopping, but as soon as they saw Akamaru they dropped their baskets and began clapping and slapping their thighs to get his attention. Akamaru, already headed in that direction, trotted up to the two girls and rolled over onto his back, cocking his head to one side and barking a friendly greeting.

"Is this Akamaru?" Riena gushed, going to her knees and stroking Akamaru's belly. "His fur is so red!" Akamaru gave a happy _arrk_ and wiggled his legs, tongue lolling out. Sera went down to her knees too and scooped up the little puppy into a hug, tumbling him around.

"Oh he's so adorable and soft," Sera squealed. "Riena, daddy will let us give him some of the trash cuttings won't he?" Akamaru began wiggling even more frantically, yipping with excitement at the prospect.

"Of course he will," Riena cooed, ruffling the puppy's ears. "Here, you stay outside and play with him, and I'll go see what I can find."

Five minutes later Akamaru was happily devouring gristles and fat from a bowl, while Kiba ate the steak he'd purchased raw. The girls giggled at that, feigning disgust, but they were too intent on Akamaru to really care.

"Oi, Kiba!"

Shoving the last of his breakfast into his mouth, Kiba turned to see Naruto running towards him waving. "What's up, Naruto?" he called with his mouth full, waving back once.

The sisters got to their feet, glaring at Naruto in disapproval. "Oh, you're that Naruto," Riena said coolly.

Naruto glanced at her, his shoulders hunching in his natural defensive posture. "I know, I know. Carrier of the Demon Fox, the epitome of evil walking on two legs."

Sera sniffed. "It's not even _about_ that, Naruto," she said.

Naruto blinked and straightened slowly. "It isn't?"

"No, it isn't," Riena said. "You tricked Kiba into punching poor little Akamaru!" Akamaru, sensing a chance for some quality attention, abandoned his meal and came over to the girl's feet, whining pitiably and hunching lower in the dirt, tail drooping. Immediately the two girls were gushing over him again, making a disapproving wall to keep Naruto out.

"Um, all right," Naruto said, staring at the two in confusion. He turned to Kiba. "You ready to go train?"

"Yeah, I'm done. Just need to wait for Akamaru to finish and we can go."

Naruto looked into the bowl and gulped, looking a bit green. "Gross. He actually _likes_ that stuff?"

"Arrk!"

. . . . .

Akamaru gave the girls' hands one last friendly lick, then went gallumphing through the crowd after Kiba and Naruto, running so fast he was nearly going sideways and almost tripping a few times. When he caught up he butted his head against Naruto's leg a few times, and when Naruto stopped to scratch under his chin he wiggled his tail happily.

"What was that about?" Naruto asked with a glance back at the butcher's shop.

"What was what about?"

"Those girls. They were all over you and Akamaru."

Kiba smiled. "Ninja puppies are like catnip for kunoichi. Every time I leave my house I get swarmed by girls who just can't get enough of Akamaru."

Naruto scowled and kicked at a stone. "I don't need a puppy to get girls."

"Oh?" Kiba asked with a smirk. "What do you need, then?"

"Shut up."

"Arrk!" Akamaru said, giving Naruto's shoe a consoling lick. Then he ran up Kiba's side and took his customary place on top of his master's head.

They didn't say too much more on their way to the training fields, Naruto sulking and Kiba and Akamaru full from breakfast and still a bit sleepy. When they arrived Naruto warmed up by punching the stump while Kiba worked with Akamaru on coordinated attacks, using branches and rocks as targets.

It wasn't too long before Naruto got bored with his exercise, though. "Oy, Kiba!" he called. "Why don't Akamaru and I do some one-on-one sparring! I want to learn how to fight ninja companions better."

"All right," Kiba replied, dropping the stick he'd been about to throw. "Akamaru, here!" he called. The little puppy gave a confirmation _arrk_ and ran over. Kiba went to one knee and caught hold of his companion's head, looking commandingly into his eyes. "Go easy on him, okay Akamaru?"

"Arrk!"

. . . . .

Kiba had to give Naruto credit for one thing. The blond genin played the underdog pretty well, never giving up when outmatched (which he usually was), but always managing to win by an infuriating refusal to _ever go down_. It made him a terrible foe, because he was impossible to beat. During the Chuunin exams he and Akamaru had lost by exhausting themselves beating the crap out of him, and then when they were too tired to do any more he'd pulled his little stolen barrage move, as fresh and tireless as he'd been at the beginning of the fight.

That kind of stamina, on the other hand, made him a terrific training partner. Akamaru was getting the workout of his life trying to wear the stubborn idiot out.

Finally Kiba decided enough was enough. It was time to use some of the new jutsu they'd been working on. "Go, Akamaru!" he shouted, "Dynamic Marking!"

"Arrk!" The ninja puppy shifted directions and ran up a tree, then leapt off in a way that launched him spinning through the air. Naruto went into a defensive posture as Akamaru flew over his head, squinting into the bright sunlight. Something splashed into his eye, over his face, and across his chest. "What the-" Naruto said, rubbing at his eyes with his sleeve. There was a pungent smell in his nostrils, almost like...

He froze.

Wait a second here. Naruto looked down at the wet line across his chest. Then he looked over at Akamaru, who was sprawled at the bottom of a tree licking between his back legs.

He lifted his gaze up to where Kiba crouched in the tree above him. "Did you just tell your dog to pee on me?" he shouted.

Kiba turned red. "He didn't pee on you he marked you! It's a common Inuzuka jutsu!"

"You train your dogs to pee on people?" Naruto demanded incredulously. "What possible benefit could that have in battle?"

"Arrk!" Akamaru barked, sounding insulted. Naruto looked over to see the little puppy glaring at him, fur stiff in indignation.

"You want to see what possible benefit it could have?" Kiba demanded. He reached up and untied his forehead protector, putting it around his eyes and retying it. Then, nostrils flaring, he leapt off the tree. "You'd better run away, baka, because if I catch you I'm going to beat you to a pulp for making fun of my family's techniques."

"With a blindfold on?" Naruto swiped at the urine on his face, glaring. He sure wasn't going to attack a blindfolded enemy. "Fine, you want to play tag? I'll laugh at you and your stupid dog-pee jutsu when you run face-first into a tree." He turned and took off into the thickest part of the forest, listening to Kiba crashing along behind him. As he ran he formed the proper seal. "Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!" he hissed, a shadow clone springing up beside him. He ducked into some bushes and hid while his shadow clone kept on running.

Kiba, nostrils still flared, tore into the clearing behind him, ignoring the crashing sounds the shadow clone made as it ran. After a slight pause he ran straight for where Naruto hid, at the last second leaping into a forward dive, spinning. "Fang over fang!" he yelled. As he flew through the air he spun faster and faster until he was a blur.

With a yelp Naruto dived out of the way, the tree behind his hiding place taking the full brunt of Kiba's attack. Even though it was as wide around as he was the Inuzuka's jutsu tore through half its bark, leaving a corkscrew-shaped hole.

"Oi," Naruto shouted from where he was sprawled on the ground. "Are you peaking around your hitai-ate?"

Kiba, picking himself up from his attack, smirked and tapped at his forehead protector. "I don't need to peek. This is the famous Inuzuka clan Dynamic Marking Jutsu. The ninja dog marks the enemy with especially acidic urine, allowing us to smell his location even if he's miles away or goes through water. No enemy escapes our noses."

Naruto whistled. "That's pretty amazing." He stopped suddenly, a look of suspicion crossing his face. "Wait a second. Did you just say this stuff can't be washed off? Gaah!" He began leaping around, tearing at his urine-stained jacket. "Gross, I can still smell it! What kind of stupid technique is this?"

Smiling, Kiba reached up to remove his forehead protector so he could see his blond friend's antics. But as soon as his eyes were clear Naruto, no longer bound by honor to not strike a blind enemy, lunged forward and caught the Inuzuka with a solid uppercut that sent him flying back into the tree he'd just smashed with his jutsu. Akamaru gave a yelp of distress and ran over to where Kiba sat, dazed.

"That was for telling your dog to pee on me!" Naruto shouted. Kiba scowled, rubbing his chin, as Akamaru licked at his face.

Well, at least it wasn't as bad as the time he'd used Dynamic Marking on Hinata-chan. His sweet-tempered teammate hadn't gone so far as to actually hit him, but not even Akamaru at his friendliest had been able to get the purple-haired kunoichi to talk to either of them for a week. She'd also sent him the cleaning bill.

"Playing tag is stupid," Naruto said, his anger apparently gone now that he'd taken his swing. "Let's get back to training, and this time no gross jutsus!"


	7. From Afar

Hey all. Breaking away from the humorous stories for this one-shot. It came to me after I watched Naruto's battle with Pain, which shouldn't be too surprising after reading the first sentence ^^. Just a warning but it might be a bit sappy for your tastes.

From Afar

Outside the tent the devastation wrought by Pain's Almighty Push was being laboriously cleared by Konoha's survivors, while a sort of tent city had been erected, most of the tents packed with wounded. It was a wrenching sight to see, the terrible things that had been done to the village he loved simply because one man was unable to let go of his pain and wanted to share it with those who'd wronged him long ago.

But terrible as it was, the sight inside the tent was more wrenching still.

Naruto let the tent flap fall closed behind him, but was so stricken by what he saw that for the moment he couldn't come any closer. Hinata lay alone inside the tent on a cot, face bruised almost beyond the point of recognition, and so pale that for a moment he feared she'd died after all. Her arms, resting on her chest above the single sheet that covered her, were bruised as well, and her left arm was bandaged and splinted, the flesh he could see above the bandages swollen and purple.

"Damnit!" he whispered, tears filling his eyes.

One of the first things he'd done when returning to the devastation that had been his home was demand to see Hinata's body. The thought of doing so had filled him with dread, since her death was his fault and seeing her body would only drive that home. When he'd learned she was alive, but near death, he'd been so relieved he'd broken down and bawled like a baby right in front of everyone.

Now, seeing her, he was crying again, equal parts relief and happiness that she was alive, and guilt for his own weakness.

This was why he'd told everyone to stay away. Even now his mind was replaying the horrifying moments during that battle when he'd lain, helpless and pinned by chakra rods, while Tendo Pain almost contemptuously beat her and then finally, as he'd thought, struck the killing blow. "Damnit, Hinata," he whispered as he moved to the camp stool that stood beside her cot and sat down. "Why did you come? Why were you willing to die for me, when you barely know me?"

Her pale, bruised face didn't so much as twitch. Sakura-chan had told him she might not wake for days yet, but he was determined to sit here and wait as long as it took. His Ninja Way wouldn't let him do anything even so selfish as rest when one of his special people was so hurt, and because of him.

_Why did you tell me you loved me?_ Even knowing she was unconscious he couldn't say those words aloud. In part because they were embarrassing, but mostly because even now they confounded him. He almost wondered if he'd heard her correctly when she'd spoken them.

What was he supposed to think about that? He could recall her saying barely a handful of words to him in all their years growing up. By far her more usual reaction to anything as simple as a greeting from him was to turn red as a beet and then try to excuse herself. Heck, the first time he'd seen her after returning to the village from his three year training with Ero-sennin, she'd actually passed out.

She'd never sought him out, never said a word to him unless he'd spoken to her first. If she loved him, why had she made it so hard for him to even realize she existed?

He looked down at her, pale and broken on the hospital bed. She was wearing one of those thin white hospital gowns that was meant to be disposable so it could be cut away during an emergency. And since the day was warm the nurse had left the blankets at the foot of the bed and covered her with nothing more than a light sheet.

He'd only ever seen her in her baggy pants and thick down jacket, as shapeless as a lump of snow. But now, with only light fabric covering her and the breeze from the window pressing that fabric in interesting ways, he couldn't help but notice that her body looked much more like a woman's than Sakura-chan's. Her pale face, sweet and lovely in spite of the bruises, only made her beauty that much more compelling. How was it possible that he'd been in Konoha for so long without noticing her the way she'd obviously noticed him?

Feeling his face redden he looked away. What right did he have to look at her like that, after she'd been willing to die trying to help him? What right did he have to be loved by her, when he'd been too weak to protect her? What right did he have to think anything about her, when he'd never even said two words to her and she'd loved him all this time.

He hadn't even noticed, had he?

. . . . .

She could see Naruto clearly, helpless with chakra rods pinning him to the ground. He'd obviously been completely subdued by Pain, but even so his teeth were gritted in determination, a determination that would have him fighting and struggling until he won or was killed.

It was that same determination that had inspired her all these years, as she watched him day after day refusing to be beaten down. His ability to love even his enemies, to remain hopeful in spite of all the times he'd been mocked and rejected. His courage had seemed endless, while she'd been little more than a timid coward, unable to even so much as approach him in spite of loving him for so long.

But she didn't feel like a coward now. Though the sight of him helpless wrenched at her heart, and Pain paid as much attention to her as a bored man swatting a fly, she refused to stop. Time after time she rushed in, using every bit of her strength and skill as she tried to cut away the chakra rods that held him. The truth was she would rather die than lose the man she loved, and this time she would _not_ give up.

And if she was going to die, she now had the courage to bare her heart to Naruto.

The pain was intense, but it came and went in waves rather than in sharp bursts the way she would have expected if she was being wounded. And no matter how hard she ran she couldn't get any closer, and Pain's attacks were throwing her around endlessly, and this was all starting to...feel...like...a...nightmare.

Hinata opened her eyes, gasping in panic. She hurt everywhere, and it was hard to move anything. Even looking around was difficult, her neck throbbing with the slightest movement. And below her waist she felt next to nothing.

She was in a tent, it looked like. Not a fine one, although the bed she lay in was comfortable and sunlight filtered in through the tent flaps. On the left side of her bed a figure sat on a chair, and she turned eyes that hurt to focus on the figure long enough to see that the he/she/it was a blur of orange and black.

She froze with a quiet gasp, able to think of only one person who wore those kinds of colors.

That noise must have been enough, because the figure started awake.

"Hinata-chan!" Naruto exclaimed, leaning over her and beaming, tears pricking his wide blue eyes. "I-I'm so glad you woke-" he choked on his words, obviously overcome with emotion, and looked away, covering his face with one hand. "I'm glad I could be here when you woke up, no matter how long it took," he finished, voice hoarse with feeling.

"Y-you were here all this time?" Hinata asked, feeling her heart flutter.

"As soon as I could return," he said fiercely, turning to her and smiling his unique smile. "How could I not stay beside the person who was willing to die to help me? You're more than simply a friend and fellow shinobi, Hinata. You're one of my special people. One whom I'd die to protect. If I could have copied old lady Chiyo's Resurrection Jutsu and brought you back to life at the cost of my own, I would have."

Hinata felt tears burning in her eyes, and closed them softly to hold them back. "Arigato, Naruto-kun," she whispered.

Naruto abruptly stood. "I should get Sakura-chan! She'll want to talk to you now that you've finally awakened, make sure you're all right."

Hinata desperately reached out her right hand, ignoring the pain, and caught weakly at his sleeve. "No, Naruto-kun," she said as forcefully as she could. The effort made her chest hurt, and she coughed. "Please, stay."

Naruto hesitated, obviously torn between wanting to do as she asked and wanting to get help for her. But finally he nodded and sank back onto his stool. "All right, Hinata-chan. I'd like to talk to you, anyway."

Her heart caught in her throat, hearing something in his voice that told her what he was going to talk about. The old fear, that had always kept her from speaking up before now, returned tenfold. What was he going to say, now that he knew? Did he have any sort of feelings in return?

She closed her eyes, waiting. "I heard what you said, while battling Pain," he said softly. She flushed, but to her relief he didn't repeat the words. "I didn't expect them, but after hearing them a lot of things that have confused me about you became a lot clearer. Knowing that, it was easier to understand why you always turned red and scurried away whenever I bumped into you on the streets. Why you never said a word to me except in reply to something I said first. Why whenever you were nearby I'd turn around to see you staring at me." He laughed lightly. "For a while, there, I even wondered if you didn't hate me the way so many others in the village did."

Hinata's eyes snapped open in alarm. "N-no, N-Naruto-kun!" she stammered. "I n-never did-"

"Shh," Naruto said with a gentle smile, pressing a finger to her lips to silence her. Hinata was so surprised that she forgot her alarm, and immediately felt a fierce blush rising to her cheeks at his touch. "It didn't take me long to see that you aren't the sort of person who's capable of hate. And now, after what you told me, I know that you feel the opposite of hate for me."

She took a shuddering breath, mustering all her courage, and managed to whisper. "I do, Naruto. I l-love you."

There was a long pause, and finally Hinata opened her eyes, afraid he might have left. He was still there, in the same position, staring at her with a sad, curiously intent look on his face. "After the way I failed you, I have no right to be loved by you."

"That's not true!" Hinata said fiercely. Pain wracked through her at the effort of her outburst, and she fell into a fit of weak coughing. "It's not true, Naruto-kun," she managed. "I failed you."

"No," Naruto said, not angrily but with calm certainty. "You tried to help me even when I told everyone to stay back. You were willing to die trying to free me. Even if you hadn't told me you loved me, those actions speak of the strength of your feelings." His voice became gentle. "But, strong as your love is it's a fragile love."

Her pale lavender eyes opened wide with surprise. "W-what?"

"You know the straw sentries that guard the walls?"

Hinata frowned. "Of course I do. It's hard not to notice them every time we return from patrol. That's what they're there for."

"That's right. From far away they look large and dangerous, like shinobi who've fought a thousand battles and wait atop the wall for the next one."

"But they're not," Hinata protested. "They're just straw and mud dressed up in jonin uniforms."

"Yep," Naruto smiled sadly. "From far away they look fierce and dangerous, but the closer you get the less real they become, until all you see is the straw faces. You've loved me for years, you say. But what do you know about me, watching from a distance? I'm like those straw sentries sitting on the tower: from far away, it's impossible to detect my flaws. How strong can your love be, when if you ever looked closer you might see things that would make you stop loving me?"

"I understand," Hinata said, looking away. She couldn't stop the tears that filled her eyes. This was what she'd feared from the beginning: that she would bare her heart to Naruto and be rejected. The fear of it that had filled her so completely that she'd never been able to summon up the courage to even say hello, all the times she'd watched him from far away. He was right. "Thank you for being honest and telling me, Naruto-kun."

There was no answer, and she looked up to see Naruto rubbing the back of his head in confusion, face scrunched up the way it always did when he was thinking hard. She'd always thought the expression was adorable. "What am I being honest about here, Hinata-chan?" he asked carefully.

Hinata looked away, and against her will the tears burning in her eyes overflowed and began sliding gently down her cheeks. "You haven't said it yet, but I know you're just working up to say you don't love me."

"Of course I don't love you, Hinata. I admire you as a respected fellow ninja and a friend, but how can I really love you when we've never really spoken or spent any time together? This conversation is by far the longest we've ever had."

It hurt to hear that. Oh, how it hurt. When she'd been willing to die to save him telling him had seemed easy, because as far as she knew there would be no consequences for it. Could she have worked up the courage to do it otherwise? She began sobbing weakly, her injuries becoming all the more painful with every hiccup.

Then she felt strong, warm hands close over hers, and her heart did an uncomfortable flip-flop. She turned eyes luminous with tears to look at the man she'd loved since she was just a little girl, and to her shock Naruto lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it softly. She felt red creeping up her face as she stared at him, torn between mortification and exultant happiness.

"Silly," Naruto said gently. "That doesn't mean I don't want to love you. Nothing would ever happen if you just kept on loving me from afar without saying anything, and if I didn't know how you felt. Now that you've finally bridged the gap and I know how you feel we can change that. The first step will be getting to know one another." He smiled brightly. "So, now that I have you trapped in this bed and you can't run away or pass out every time I try to talk to you, we have the time we need to finally really come to know and understand one another. I'm not leaving your side until you're well enough to leave with me, and by then we should both know everything about one another."

"I would like that, Naruto-kun," she murmured. "Though tired as I feel, I can't promise anything about not passing out."

"You'd just better, if you're tired enough to." His smile widened. "And the moment you _are_ well enough, we're going to go on a date."

Hinata's eyes widened. "A d-date?" she stammered. She couldn't believe how just moments before she felt more miserable than she ever had before, and now she felt so light and warm with happiness.

Naruto looked deeply into her eyes, his own clear blue and completely free of guile. "I can't promise you I'll come to love you the way you inexplicably love me. I still have feelings for Sakura-chan, and we're all still young." He smiled once more. "And I can't promise that once you get to know me better and realize what a knucklehead I am, that you won't decide you were wrong after all and that you want nothing to do with me."

"Never," she said fiercely. She could feel her hand trembling in his, and she was uncomfortably aware of how cold and clammy it must be, both from nervousness and from her injuries. She must look terrible, face splotchy with tears and so pale, sweaty and wrapped in bandages.

As if he'd read her mind, Naruto squeezed her hand gently. "Your eyes look so beautiful filled with tears, Hinata-chan," he said. "But I'm going to have to get used to not seeing them this way, because I promise to do everything I can to make sure you never have a reason to cry again."

In spite of herself she laughed, and then she squeezed his hands back. Her grip was weak, she was still so tired, but she smiled at him. "You can't stop me from crying with happiness, Naruto-kun."


	8. Mind Games

Projecting

Inoichi groaned as he stepped outside and the sun hit his eyes. All he wanted to do was go home and sleep, but the thought of trying to sleep when it was so bright made his head hurt.

Judging by the sun's position he'd been rooting through the mind of that Amegakure ninja Jiraya-sama's frog had brought back for nearly ten hours straight now. It was the longest he'd used his specialized jutsu in years, ever since he'd retired to start a family and a flower shop. He'd forgotten how stressful and draining it could be, especially trying to delve into a mind as protected as this one.

He needed to relax, and badly. The interrogation wasn't finished yet, but he was near useless in his current state. With sleep out of the question that left only one option for really winding down. So he turned and started towards the Yamanaka Flower Shop, where his wife should be working the counter at this time of day.

When he reached it he walked right past, continuing on towards the Hokage faces carved into the cliffs above Konoha.

Five minutes later he was perched atop the carving of the Second Hokage, a pair of binoculars in hand. He was currently looking at a fruit vendor's stall in the market district, where the vendor and a woman were having a heated argument. He focused closer on the vendor's lips.

"Our secret affair has to end," he murmured as if he were reading the vendor's lips.

The customer laughed and pointed at the fruit. "Hah! I was just pretending to like you for free apples anyway!"

The vendor drew his impressive bulk up in affront. "Those apples were an expression of my love!"

To Inoichi's delight the customer picked up a particularly wormy and rotted apple and shook it in the vendor's face. "Your love is as disgusting as this apple! I should have gone with the vendor down the street, at least his fruit is fresh. And it smells a lot better too!"

The vendor brushed the apple out of the woman's hand and held up two fingers. "That's fine, woman! I have two more secret lovers anyway!"

The woman stomped on the apple and stalked away, face red with fury.

Inoichi watched for a few more moments, then panned the binoculars over the marketplace, looking for another conversation to spy on. "Huh. I wonder what they were actually talking about?"

He didn't feel guilty for what he was doing, since it wasn't technically spying if he didn't know what was actually going on. That was the appeal of his pastime: he had spent years practically living inside the heads of people he was interrogating, and even now that he was mostly occupied with his flower shop there were times when he was called in for special interrogations like this one with the Rain ninja.

With all of that time spent knowing exactly what people were thinking, it was hard to describe just how _relaxing_ it was to sit up on this cliff overlooking the village, with his binoculars, and watch people talk without knowing what they were saying or why.

His inspection of the city through the binoculars halted when he saw his former student, Ibiki, talking with Anko in front of the ANBU interrogation headquarters. He would have preferred to avoid looking at the place he'd just left, since it made him tired to even think of the fact that he'd have to go back there soon, but the conversation between his two former students looked too promising to ignore.

Anko was making an odd gesture, as if she was beating someone, or perhaps whipping them. "He can't do anything about it once he's tied down," Inoichi murmured as her lips moved, then she smiled.

Ibiki laughed. "Who, Kakashi? No wonder he wants to keep you two a secret."

She gave a few more demonstratory blows, then put her hands on her hips. "Who says it's him who wants that?"

Ibiki took a step back, raising his hands. "Hey, what happens in T&I stays in T&I. Just go easy on him."

"No promises," Anko replied, and walked back into the interrogation wing. Ibiki looked after her, shaking his head with an expression of pity, then turned and walked away.

Inoichi moved the binoculars around looking for another conversation. Hey, it was relaxing not to know what they were saying. But what made it so fun was guessing.

He turned his binoculars to the Hokage tower, and saw Tsunade-sama and Shizune wrestling over a bottle of sake. His lips pulled up in a wicked smile. Oh wow, he'd lucked out there.

"I get the first sip!" Tsunade said fiercely, letting go with one hand to shake a fist in her assistant's face.

"Oh no you don't! For you the first sip is the entire bottle. We agreed we were going to share this one."

"What, half and half? You couldn't hold half a bottle of sake, girl."

"Yeah, well if we'd really wanted to make it an even drinking game you should have bought two more just for yourself." Shizune yanked on the bottle with both hands, feet spread apart. She didn't see Tsunade's smile.

"Okay fine, you can have the first sip," the Hokage said, and let go. Shizune gave a shriek as she flew backwards, so loudly Inoichi almost thought he could hear it from his perch.

Shizune stood up, trying for dignity, and tucked the bottle into a pocket. "Just for that I'm taking the whole thing." Then she pointed at some papers on Tsunade's desk. "You can come have some when you finish your homework."

After she left Tsunade glared at the door for a while, then looked glumly at the papers on her desk. "Yes mother," she muttered, sitting in the Hokage's chair and leaning over the stack.

"Yo, Inoichi!"

Inoichi jerked in surprise, nearly losing his grip on the binoculars, and turned guiltily to where Kakashi stood right behind him. "What are you doing sneaking up on a guy, Kakashi-san?"

The white-haired jonin had a romance novel in his hand, which wasn't much of a surprise. It looked like he'd been on his way up to the top of the cliffs to find a secluded place to read. From what he could see of the title, it looked like "Katanas and Kunoichi". As if he knew he'd been found out Kakashi rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment. "Just trying to get away for a while and finish my book."

Inoichi felt his smile fade. "One of Jiraiya-sama's?" he asked.

Kakashi's smile also faded. "Yeah. It's not complete, since he was working on it when...when he left." The jonin's eyes abruptly narrowed. "Hey, you're supposed to be interrogating that Rain ninja, not on sentry duty, and there's no sentry post up here anyway. What are you doing with binoculars looking at the Hokage's tower?"

It was Inoichi's turn to be embarrassed. "It's my pastime, okay?"

Kakashi laughed and bounded up to the edge of the Second Hokage's brow, teetering on the brink of falling, and began looking around eagerly with one hand shielding his eye. "What pastime, peeping? Haha I didn't expect that from you, Inoichi-sempai. Now I feel a lot less embarrassed about my own hobbies."

Inoichi resisted the urge to push the jonin off the edge. "I'm not peeping, you idiot. I leave that kind of perverted behavior to you and Jiraiya-sama."

"Oh?" Kakashi turned and looked at him curiously. "So what are you doing up here with binoculars looking into the Hokage's quarters? That wouldn't be my first choice anyway."

Inoichi silently fumed for a moment, then took his spare pair of binoculars out of the nook he'd carved and shoved them at Kakashi. He lifted his own to his eyes and began searching for a conversation. "Turn your binoculars to Kisuki's butcher shop."

Kakashi obediently lifted his binoculars and got them sighted in. After a few moments he tsked. "Can't say much for your taste. Kisuki's got to weight at least three hundred pounds, and his customer isn't much lighter."

Inoichi gritted his teeth. "Focus on their lips," he said tersely.

Kakashi glanced at him with an uneasy expression. "Um, this might be too intense for me. Maybe I should just go read my-"

"Just do it, idiot!" After Kakashi had finally turned his binoculars back to the conversation the butcher was having with his customer, Inoichi waited a moment, then said. "How do I know I can trust you with my secret?"

"What?" Kakashi said, looking at him again.

"Pay attention to their lips and pretend I'm narrating for them!" Inoichi snapped.

"Oh, I see," Kakashi said.

The customer was looking over a slice of meat. "You've been selling me meat for years, Kisuki. You can trust me."

The butcher gave a hearty laugh, spreading his hands out at his sides. "I secretly like to cross-dress," Inoichi muttered, watching the man's lips. "My favorite skirt is all poofy, like this."

"He didn't say that!" Kakashi protested.

Inoichi smiled. "No, but it's fun to guess. Want to try?"

Kakashi didn't reply immediately, but after a moment he said. "Over there, by the bridge."

It took him a second, but finally Inoichi found what Kakashi was looking at. He stiffened. It was Nara Shikamaru and his daughter, Ino.

Kakashi spoke in time with Shikamaru's lips moving. "Do you know where your father is? I want to report to him on my progress with the code."

Ino sniffed. "Probably up on top of the Second Hokage using his binoculars to peep. I honestly don't know how he gets away with that." Inoichi started with surprise. With his limited skill at reading lips, it almost looked as if his daughter _had_ said that. But nobody but him knew about his pastime, did they? And they certainly didn't think him capable of...of _that_.

Shikamaru turned and stared directly at their position, and Inoichi cursed and ducked down lower. "I think I see the sun reflecting off his binoculars. Theirs, that is, since there's two sets of binoculars. Does your dad do that with someone else? That's even more creepy than..."

Inoichi suddenly looked over at Kakashi, who was still narrating. "Hold on a second," he said suspiciously. "That's awfully good for guessing."

Kakashi turned to look at him, and Inoichi saw he'd lifted his forehead protector and his sharingan was active. "Who says I'm guessing?" Then the white-haired jonin burst into laughter and turned to run away.

"Kakashi get back here!" Inoichi yelled, hurling his binoculars at the fleeing jonin. Kakashi dodged nimbly, still laughing, and with a growl Inoichi ran after him.


End file.
